I’ve never seen anyone spell hummus like that lol! Apparently that’s how they spell it in the UK?

My favorite part is when I get one whole day to sit quietly and no one bothers me… It’s glorious

When I was like 12 or 13 I got this toy eyeball that would always look up however you moved it or rolled it across the floor. One night I was getting something from the fridge and saw a box of some kind of Entenmann’s cake in there and had a fantastic idea. There was a little part of the box where you couldn’t see through the cellophane and it was just big enough to hide that eyeball toy and no one would ever see it until they opened the box. Of course I went ahead and put it in there and then went back to watching TV. A few hours later my older sister got home, and apparently had been thinking about that Entenmann’s cake all day at work. I summoned every ounce of willpower to keep a straight face when I saw her go into the kitchen, then I waited… A few seconds later there was a bloodcurdling scream that brought everyone in the house running to see what was going on. My sister came out of the kitchen to find me doubled over with laughter on the sofa. I forget exactly which explitives she shouted at me, but the next thing I saw was that eyeball whizzing past my head at about 90mph, leaving a small dent in the wall behind me lol

I’m 42 now and she’s 50 and it still gets brought up from time to time lol

That’s not a terrible idea, but I really don’t need an incentive to watch more tv. I already watch a LOT of it. My exercise time is when I go outside and enjoy nature. Well, as much nature as there is the 5 or so mile radius around my house anyways

Yes, it would probably take me 3 or 4 days to watch 12 hours of LOTR or anything else for that matter. I just can’t sit still that long.

To be fair, sometimes I just want to watch the trilogy and I don’t want it to take an entire week…

Well that’s not very descriptive! “A moustache” could mean almost anything lol

I didn’t call anyone a pedophile, I just said he has a pedophile moustache. What would you call it?

I used to rent this tiny little house from an elderly couple a little over a decade ago. It was their first house when they got married in the late 40s and they’d been renting it out since they moved to a bigger house in the 50s. In all that time the refrigerator has been replaced ONCE in like 1968 and that fridge still worked perfectly when I moved out lol

That pedophile moustache is not doing him any favors…

He can do whatever he wants to my texts as long as I don’t have to hear about it lol

A few years ago I started getting random texts in the middle of the night from some guy who thought I was a girl he’d met at a bar. I guess the guy was kind of a pest so she gave him a made up number that just happened to be my number. I tried politely explaining that I was:

a. not a girl

b. definitely not anyone he knows

and

c. trying to sleep because it’s 2am

He seemed to think this was some sort of courtship game and kept messaging me until I finally just told him to fuck off

This scenario kept repeating itself every few weeks apparently whenever he would get drunk and/or horny in the middle of the night

It kept going until one night I finally told him I would meet him somewhere and just went back to sleep

I never heard from him again after that… Maybe he’s still waiting there? 😂

Ironically if they did hire a white man to play The Little Mermaid, the hard right nutjobs would be screaming that it was part of a “woke trans agenda” to normalize crossdressing and eliminate the traditional American male from society lol

Interestingly this statement is only presented completely without context. What role where they talking about? I’m sure Steven Miller wouldn’t be satisfied until white men in blackface are playing every role in whatever it is they’re talking about lol

Put this on Instagram and it will get 10 million views within 24 hours

So now instead of “we have an algorithm to suggest what you might like” it’s turning into “you’ll watch what we tell you and like it, and good luck trying to find anything else”

It’s good sometimes to be mindful of life’s most basic lessons

This sounds exactly like me lol I wake up around 730am and it takes me until about 1030am to wake up enough to deal with work which starts at 11am 😩